Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Randomize
