Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
