I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
