i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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