He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
