FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
