you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
