I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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