I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
