ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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