Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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