genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
