You're my little dorito
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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