I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
