u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
