His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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