a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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