OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
