I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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