I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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