Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
