everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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