She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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