I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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