He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Of course I have a pirate flag
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
