how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
what day is it and did you see me today?
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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