I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
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