We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Randomize
