I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Randomize
