You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
