I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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