Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
