So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
