glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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