Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Randomize
