Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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