I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Randomize
