last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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