it wasn't lemon gatorade
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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