Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
