i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
