i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
