My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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