As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
