I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Randomize
