just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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