the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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