I was born with a shot glass in my hand
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
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