My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Randomize
