My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
