last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
