I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
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